Royal Wedding: The Verdict

 
 
Like the BBC has Nicholas Witchell, OYMT now has its very own Royal Correspondent! Except younger and less ginger. It's his first piece for us, so welcome, Daniel.

Catch the royal wedding? No? You spent your bank holiday drinking cider from the bottle and eventually passing out drunk in your neighbour’s back garden in the middle of the afternoon while a group of youths used you as a goal-post, eh? I envy you. Here’s what you missed:
 
 

Kate Middleton is brilliant.

Yeah, Kate Middleton looked really nice. If you didn’t see her dress, it was lacy and elegant, like a proper princess. Clearly she felt it, as all the way through there was never a hint that she was anything short of confident and collected. This was in stark contrast to Prince Harry who seemed nervous and fidgety all the way through; swaying backwards and forwards with his eyes darting around the place. At one point I thought Prince Charles was going to pop up with his Game Boy to keep him distracted.
 
 

What the eff did Beatrice have on her head?

In an act of what can only be described as PURE ATTENTION SEEKING, Princess Beatrice was seated in the congregation with some species of crustacean on her head. It appeared she’d been stealing style tips from Lady GaGa. If she really wanted to outstage the bride she should have arrived at Westminster Abbey in a giant egg, climbed out wearing a meat dress and stuck a telephone on her head (she already has the scary giant eyes from the Bad Romance video).
 
 

James Middleton.

As James Middleton gave his reading during the ceremony, homosexualists all over the country gave a sigh of relief at the sight of some fresh meat. Just hours afterwards, the first auto-suggestion Google gave when searching his name was already “James Middleton gay”. While there is no actual evidence to suggest he does play polo for the other team (or whatever it is posh people do), let’s check his credentials:

He designs cakes for a living.
His date to the wedding was HIS MOTHER.
He is literally “quite fit”.
He was seen dancing drunkenly to Born This Way at the reception, holding extended eye contact with the same guy all night before going home with someone else.

OK, that last one may be fictional.
 
 

The bit where he couldn’t get the ring on properly.

Kate was a right sweaty Betty at the ceremony, to the point where Prince William had to SQUISH HER FINGER just to get the ring on her finger in the first place. Embarrassing for all concerned.
 
 

Kimberley Walsh wanted an invite.

“I’ve met Prince Charles a few times so it’s a shame I didn’t get an invite- I’ll have to settle for watching it at home”.

LOLZZZZZ.
 
 

People who suddenly think they are able to read lips.

If you were watching the wedding in a group, I can guarantee one of the people around will have at one point shouted “DID YOU SEE THAT- HE JUST SAID SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL” or “I JUST READ HIS LIPS AND HE SAID HE CAN’T WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH HER”. To all those people who, just in time for the royal wedding, suddenly developed the skill of lip-reading: get a grip. Nobody knows what he was saying to her when the microphones were off. It could have been “smile for the cameras you miserable bitch” as easily as “tonight I am going to absolutely destroy you. I mean it”. Personally, I pray it was the latter.
 

 
 

The balcony kiss.

I must admit that this was my first royal wedding, so I was a bit disturbed by the fact the happy couple had to get a carriage all the way over to Buckingham Palace to do have the first kiss as man and wife on a balcony in front of the Royal Family who are largely pensioners. Thankfully, it was a nice kiss and didn’t go on all day like Liza Minelli and David Gest. Probably for the best really, the last thing you need as you kiss your bride for the first time is Prince Philip muttering “get stuck in, my son” in your ear.
 
 

Pippa Middleton going home with Prince Harry.

You just know it happened, don’t you? You just know. GET IN THERE, HARRY.

How to survive an animal attack.

 
 
I'm not really the fighting type, but if provoked I can curl up into a pretty intimidating ball. Animals, on the other hand, can fly off the handle without warning and attack each other (and humans) with reckless abandonment. So what should you do if an animal attacks you? Do you do the ball thing? No, you fight back with all your knowledge of animal-fight-skills, learned from the internet.

Please note that this article does not condone unprovoked violence against animals, and only sanctions the use of force when being attacked, or when it's slept with your missus or something.

 

Shark

The notion of beating a shark in pitched battle has been around for decades, with the film "Jaws" bringing shark-fighting to the mainstream. But for those of us who don't have a gas canister with which to explode the shark, the accepted advice was always to boff the attacker on the nose, thus stunning it enough to forget to eat you.

But this is an urban myth, according to shark-fighting experts who say that the best place to whack a shark, if you're still lucid enough to aim,  are its eyes or gills. If you are unable to reach the eyes or gills, splash its face as much as possible, as the salt water would really sting.


 

Bee

Bees. Aren't they adorable? With their fat little bodies and tiny physics-defying wings, they're relaxing to observe as they bumble around the garden and you recline in a deckchair. But occasionally, if they're having a bad monday, or are Africanised Honey Bees, they might form a swarm and chase after you. If this happens, I've found some good advice on how to fight them off.

"RUN away quickly. Do not stop to help others. However, small children and the disabled may need some assistance."

Though maybe not the fighting talk you'd expect, apparently this is the best way to deal with an Africanized Honey Bee attack. The rest of that helpful article, explains how if being chased by angry bees, run. Run. Leap up from your deckchair, drop your issue of Homes and Gardens and run as fast as you can with your shirt over your head.

 

Hedgehog

Just walk away. Hedgehogs might be intimidatingly spiky, but they are also slow and incredibly short. This is one particular battle you can win by not doing much. I'm not really sure why I included this particular animal attack in the list, to be honest, but I couldn't find any details on how to fight off a rhinoceros so it had to do.

 

Bear

If worried that a bear might be about to attack, stand incredibly still. The bear will then come towards you, but you must remain stationary. Once the bear is close enough to touch, in one smooth motion, leap onto the animal's back. Bears are notoriously inflexible, and while he might try to turn his head far enough to bite you, or swing a paw around his back to swipe you, he will be unable to reach and you shall be safe. That said, if your ride looks like he's about to rub his back up against a tree, hop off and peg it.

 

 

Monkey

This should be fairly easy, since monkeys are essentially the size of human children. Hold out your hand and grab the attacking monkey's head. He will swing his little paws, but since you have the superior reach, the monkey will eventually grow tired and you shall be victorious. He will then let you keep him on your shoulder which would be adorable.

 

Crocodile

When in any kind of terrain where a crocodile attack is possible, for example wading in The Nile, or at Chester Zoo, be sure to carry a large wooden oar around with you at all times. Wait for the crocodile to open its jaws wide, before inserting the oar into the mouth, thus wedging it open. Not only will the crocodile be unable to close its mouth around you, but if you do find yourself accidentally inside its jaws, you should be able to just slide back out again.



 

Any kind of bird

If you should find yourself outside, perhaps clutching a pasty or some kind of baked, meat-filled snack, you're leaving yourself open to one of the most brutal animal attacks there is.

To prevent the bird from attacking, you must wave your arms about ferociously, not only to surprise the bird, but to fling whatever comestible it was that attracted them in the first place, as far from you as possible. This will distract the bird and give you valuable seconds to make good your escape. Do not attempt to reclaim the snack.

Fun fact: Alfred Hitchcock based his 1963 classic "The Birds" on an afternoon he'd had in Brighton when a bird stole one of his chips and then pooed on his shoulder.