Tuesday 14 June 2011

What to do on your first date

 
 

Arrive late


Making a good first impression on a date is important - girls often base their entire opinion of a man purely  on the first few seconds of a meeting. For this reason, make sure you're at least 20 minutes late for the date - that way, the relief she'll feel when she realises she hasn't been stood up will be the lasting impression she has of you. You will be like a knight, rescuing her from an awkward situation. That you caused.

 




[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="350" caption="Late Knight"][/caption]
 

Imply that everything is her fault/subtly put her down


"Our order's only taking so long because you ordered salad - everyone knows salad takes longer to prepare than fillet steak with a peppercorn sauce and onion rings."

"I'm only late because you told me the wrong time."

"I love how shrill and irritating your voice is."

"It's a nice dress. I wish my nan let me borrow her clothes."

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="210" caption="A simpler time."][/caption]

 


 

Imagine her naked and let her know that's what you're doing


This could either be as a reply to "what're you thinking?" which is the staple of awkward silences across the globe. Women appreciate honesty, so even if you weren't thinking of your date naked, pretend you're being honest and say you were picturing her naked. It will make her feel desired, and also make awkward silences a thing of the past.*


*not guaranteed.
 

Pretend you've forgotten her name and call her a man's name for the rest of the date


You will appear lofty and aloof, and girls love that. Nice guys finish last, dickheads finish first, but you're so above it all you're not even in the race. Put on a leather jacket, ignore her for at least 10 minutes, and she'll be like warm putty in your hand. Not that you care.
 

I couldn't find a picture for this one.


 

Don't offer to pay for anything


Thanks to the surprising success of feminism, women are generally now expected to pay for dates. When you've finished your meal, push the plate away from you, gaze lovingly into your date's eyes, and don't break the stare until she's paid the bill. It's very important that you keep staring. Imperative, almost. It will assert your dominance, and make up for the fact that you haven't had any money since you lost your job at the meat-packing factory.

 




[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="192" caption="Going Dutch."][/caption]
 

Beg for a second date, and if she says no - cry.


It just shows that you care.

 




[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="238" caption="Kind of like this."][/caption]

Sunday 12 June 2011

Being Ginger

 

I know that all of you reading this would never dream of making abusive comments about someone's colouring, but this post is more to attempt to inform you about what it's like to grow up with ginger hair. Bullying, abuse and even acts of extreme and unprovoked violence take place because of it, and while we can all have a laugh about ginger pubes, there's a line. Today I read an article by Barbara Ellen of The Guardian, in which she argues that we are getting our "PC knickers in a twist" by being unable to call someone "ginger kid" on their pizza receipt, and this (almost hilariously unfunny) post is my response.

As many of you will know, I am a ginger fellow. My hair isn't particularly red, or rusty, or orange (sadly) but it is definitely more ginger than blonde. I like my hair now, and I get comments like "oh isn't your hair a lovely colour" to which I say thanks, I grew it myself. But for every one comment in favour of my colouring, I get ten negatives. From strangers, from people on the internet (you'll notice that most gingers use black and white photos to get around this one) and from the people who used to beat me up at school.



According to Barbara Ellen of The Guardian, (who does NOT have red hair) the whole ginger issue is being taken too far, as she investigates the reaction a young boy had to being labelled "the ginger kid" on a Pizza chain's receipt. She argues that ginger-related abuse is not the same as other appearance based bullying, because look! Look at the little ginger guy! Isn't he hilarious! Oh don't be over-sensitive, it's just hair, little ginger guy, we're just having a laugh at your expense.

Whether you like it or not, redheads are a minority. No, we're not a race, or a sexuality or a religion, but for every 100 Europeans, there are four gingers, and in the world, we make up 1%. Naturally, thanks to dick-ish human nature, this makes us a target. But thankfully it's all just light-hearted banter, isn't it? That's definitely how it felt when I was being dangled over a stairwell by my ankles because of my hair colour. Ha ha! Oh you guys know sure know how to have fun.


When I went to South America, I wasn't allowed out after dark in built up areas. Why? Because of my hair. I was already stared at wherever I went, but if I had been out at night, I'd have been the most obviously muggable or kidnappable person in the whole of South America. My local friends were almost frantic in their worry to get me home before sundown, and I felt like an anti-vampire.

It's not just South America though, when walking or travelling in London at night, I usually attempt to cover my hair because I know it could (because it has in the past) make me a target. As one woman says of her experience on the Underground:
"I was on the Tube, pregnant, and I was really humiliated by this drunk yob. He was shouting 'do the cuffs and the collars match?' He got right up into my face. You don't do that to other people."

But it's just a bit of fun, right? We should stop being so sensitive. A quick search of Youtube brings up hundreds of videos of redhaired kids being bullied in the playground, of insults being thrown, of punches and kicks being used. A quick search of Facebook brings up numerous hilarious groups about people with redhair. A quick search of Google brings up numerous websites and news stories dedicated to the abuse redheads receive at school and in the wider world.

Barbara Ellen in her piece in The Guardian argues that:
"It's horrible to hear of children crying, but was "ginger kid" in this context malicious? The whole tone of the story is that Ross suffered some kind of sub-racist, or otherwise discriminatory, attack – almost on a level with "spaz kid" or "paki kid""

I would now like to direct your attention to James Brown (the hair-stylist, not the late singer) who recently launched "racist abuse" at a man at the BAFTAs. As the victim said afterwards,




"He thought he was being cool and edgy and I explained to him that it was an attack."




James Brown may not have meant to cause harm or emotional distress with his words, but thanks to the language he used, he did. And since 11-year-old Ross Wajtknecht has been bullied at school about his hair colour, it seems understandable that he wouldn't want to be reminded of this when he goes to buy a pizza. Words like "spaz kid" and "paki kid" are offensive because we as a society see those words as terms of abuse. The only reason society doesn't feel the same about "ginger kid" is because it's SO DARN AMUSING. To everyone but the ginger kid, that is.


M.I.A recently released an amazing video for her song "Born Free" (ten minutes long, but utterly brilliant, violent, and found here) in which young red-haired men are rounded up by the police, transported to a minefield, and made to run across it, exploding in the process. Despite being more a metaphor for her own feelings on oppression, I can't help wondering what the public's reaction would be if red haired kids really were all made to run across a minefield.

"Hahaha! Oh stop moaning, you're so sensitive! Don't get your PC knickers in a twist, it was a joke!"

 

Links


"We all know a ginger whore"

The "Kick a ginger" campaign

The "kick a ginger" campaign goes beyond a joke (according to The Guardian)

Is gingerism as bad as racism? (BBC News)

Why surgeons dread redheads (a heightened sensitivity to pain. Lucky us)

Tackling Redhead harassment

Prince Harry asked for counselling due to ginger bullying

Schoolgirl withdrawn from school thanks to bullying

Schoolboy bullied over red hair hangs himself

Little Charley Bear - Review

 
 
(Originally seen on Best for Film)
 
As a child, I grew up with some classics of children’s television: TintinNoggin the Nog,Ivor the EngineThe RaccoonsThe Animals of Farthing WoodRosie and JimFamily NessPenny CrayonPlaydaysSesame StreetSuper TedBanana ManDanger Mouse,FunhouseFireman SamCome OutsideThe Queen’s NoseZzzap The Television Comic(which you may not recall, but Google it and enjoy “Cuthbert Lilly, he’s dead silly”), and many more. I could have made that list double the length, but think I’ve made my point.

What do children watch now? Well, perhaps they could watch Are You There, Charley Bear, a show about a bear whose curiously strong imagination lets him become a popstar and build a sandcastle. Now, if Grizzly Man has taught me anything, it’s that it’s safe to assume that bears have very little playful imagination, and if you were to put one in a limousine (as happens in the Pop Star episode) all you’d end up with is a large amount of upholstery damage and a dead chauffeur.

But no, because it’s a television programme for children, this bear is unrealistically adorable. Look at him! With his little glasses and fur, and lack of all intrinsic bear-like qualities. Is he going to climb a tree to teach children about how bears can climb trees? Is he going to maul a tourist? Well no, but he is going to go to space, meet an alien and play “moon ball”.


It’s easy to criticise children’s TV, or to suggest that they’ve dumbed it down since we were kids, but that’s because they have. Instead of a plot driven ‘postman who runs into difficulty’ show, or even a group of adorable aliens talking to each other via swanee whistle (The Clangers), Little Charley Bear boasts idiots’ favourite James Corden earnestly asking a computer-animated bear what he’s up to today.

What happened to telling children stories? Immersing them in an escapist world of make-believe? They needn’t be Columbo-style murder mysteries, but perhaps something a little less tedious than “HELLO CHILDREN, I’VE LOST MY PENCIL, CAN YOU HELP ME FIND IT?”

As an incredibly childish man myself, I can figuratively (and literally, thanks to my small feet) put myself in the shoes of a 3-6 year old child and have decided that Charley Bear would not have satisfied me. I need adventure, travel, treasure… not the disembodied voice of James Corden patronising a small CGI bear. Children have imagination which needs to be inspired with stories, not tethered firmly to vapid reality with “You know, maybe one day you could enter Britain’s Got Talent and only get one buzz.”

Here are a list of other rhyming titles I would like to see from the Little Charley Bearfranchise. It can also be read as a piece of performance poetry (but you’ll have to use your imagination. Is that going to be ok?)

‘Charley Bear Shaves His Hair’
‘Charley Bear and the Massive Pear’
‘Charley Bear and the Sordid Affair’
‘Charley Bear Reads Voltaire’ (or Jane Eyre)
‘Charley Bear Says a Prayer (To a non-specific, interdenominational deity)’
‘Do We Care, Charley Bear?’