What to do on your first date

 
 

Arrive late

Making a good first impression on a date is important - girls often base their entire opinion of a man purely  on the first few seconds of a meeting. For this reason, make sure you're at least 20 minutes late for the date - that way, the relief she'll feel when she realises she hasn't been stood up will be the lasting impression she has of you. You will be like a knight, rescuing her from an awkward situation. That you caused.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="350" caption="Late Knight"][/caption]
 

Imply that everything is her fault/subtly put her down

"Our order's only taking so long because you ordered salad - everyone knows salad takes longer to prepare than fillet steak with a peppercorn sauce and onion rings."

"I'm only late because you told me the wrong time."

"I love how shrill and irritating your voice is."

"It's a nice dress. I wish my nan let me borrow her clothes."

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="210" caption="A simpler time."][/caption]

 

 

Imagine her naked and let her know that's what you're doing

This could either be as a reply to "what're you thinking?" which is the staple of awkward silences across the globe. Women appreciate honesty, so even if you weren't thinking of your date naked, pretend you're being honest and say you were picturing her naked. It will make her feel desired, and also make awkward silences a thing of the past.*

*not guaranteed.
 

Pretend you've forgotten her name and call her a man's name for the rest of the date

You will appear lofty and aloof, and girls love that. Nice guys finish last, dickheads finish first, but you're so above it all you're not even in the race. Put on a leather jacket, ignore her for at least 10 minutes, and she'll be like warm putty in your hand. Not that you care.
 

I couldn't find a picture for this one.

 

Don't offer to pay for anything

Thanks to the surprising success of feminism, women are generally now expected to pay for dates. When you've finished your meal, push the plate away from you, gaze lovingly into your date's eyes, and don't break the stare until she's paid the bill. It's very important that you keep staring. Imperative, almost. It will assert your dominance, and make up for the fact that you haven't had any money since you lost your job at the meat-packing factory.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="192" caption="Going Dutch."][/caption]
 

Beg for a second date, and if she says no - cry.

It just shows that you care.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="238" caption="Kind of like this."][/caption]