Royal Wedding: The Verdict

 
 
Like the BBC has Nicholas Witchell, OYMT now has its very own Royal Correspondent! Except younger and less ginger. It's his first piece for us, so welcome, Daniel.

Catch the royal wedding? No? You spent your bank holiday drinking cider from the bottle and eventually passing out drunk in your neighbour’s back garden in the middle of the afternoon while a group of youths used you as a goal-post, eh? I envy you. Here’s what you missed:
 
 

Kate Middleton is brilliant.

Yeah, Kate Middleton looked really nice. If you didn’t see her dress, it was lacy and elegant, like a proper princess. Clearly she felt it, as all the way through there was never a hint that she was anything short of confident and collected. This was in stark contrast to Prince Harry who seemed nervous and fidgety all the way through; swaying backwards and forwards with his eyes darting around the place. At one point I thought Prince Charles was going to pop up with his Game Boy to keep him distracted.
 
 

What the eff did Beatrice have on her head?

In an act of what can only be described as PURE ATTENTION SEEKING, Princess Beatrice was seated in the congregation with some species of crustacean on her head. It appeared she’d been stealing style tips from Lady GaGa. If she really wanted to outstage the bride she should have arrived at Westminster Abbey in a giant egg, climbed out wearing a meat dress and stuck a telephone on her head (she already has the scary giant eyes from the Bad Romance video).
 
 

James Middleton.

As James Middleton gave his reading during the ceremony, homosexualists all over the country gave a sigh of relief at the sight of some fresh meat. Just hours afterwards, the first auto-suggestion Google gave when searching his name was already “James Middleton gay”. While there is no actual evidence to suggest he does play polo for the other team (or whatever it is posh people do), let’s check his credentials:

He designs cakes for a living.
His date to the wedding was HIS MOTHER.
He is literally “quite fit”.
He was seen dancing drunkenly to Born This Way at the reception, holding extended eye contact with the same guy all night before going home with someone else.

OK, that last one may be fictional.
 
 

The bit where he couldn’t get the ring on properly.

Kate was a right sweaty Betty at the ceremony, to the point where Prince William had to SQUISH HER FINGER just to get the ring on her finger in the first place. Embarrassing for all concerned.
 
 

Kimberley Walsh wanted an invite.

“I’ve met Prince Charles a few times so it’s a shame I didn’t get an invite- I’ll have to settle for watching it at home”.

LOLZZZZZ.
 
 

People who suddenly think they are able to read lips.

If you were watching the wedding in a group, I can guarantee one of the people around will have at one point shouted “DID YOU SEE THAT- HE JUST SAID SHE LOOKS BEAUTIFUL” or “I JUST READ HIS LIPS AND HE SAID HE CAN’T WAIT TO SPEND THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH HER”. To all those people who, just in time for the royal wedding, suddenly developed the skill of lip-reading: get a grip. Nobody knows what he was saying to her when the microphones were off. It could have been “smile for the cameras you miserable bitch” as easily as “tonight I am going to absolutely destroy you. I mean it”. Personally, I pray it was the latter.
 

 
 

The balcony kiss.

I must admit that this was my first royal wedding, so I was a bit disturbed by the fact the happy couple had to get a carriage all the way over to Buckingham Palace to do have the first kiss as man and wife on a balcony in front of the Royal Family who are largely pensioners. Thankfully, it was a nice kiss and didn’t go on all day like Liza Minelli and David Gest. Probably for the best really, the last thing you need as you kiss your bride for the first time is Prince Philip muttering “get stuck in, my son” in your ear.
 
 

Pippa Middleton going home with Prince Harry.

You just know it happened, don’t you? You just know. GET IN THERE, HARRY.