How to survive an animal attack.

 
 
I'm not really the fighting type, but if provoked I can curl up into a pretty intimidating ball. Animals, on the other hand, can fly off the handle without warning and attack each other (and humans) with reckless abandonment. So what should you do if an animal attacks you? Do you do the ball thing? No, you fight back with all your knowledge of animal-fight-skills, learned from the internet.

Please note that this article does not condone unprovoked violence against animals, and only sanctions the use of force when being attacked, or when it's slept with your missus or something.

 

Shark

The notion of beating a shark in pitched battle has been around for decades, with the film "Jaws" bringing shark-fighting to the mainstream. But for those of us who don't have a gas canister with which to explode the shark, the accepted advice was always to boff the attacker on the nose, thus stunning it enough to forget to eat you.

But this is an urban myth, according to shark-fighting experts who say that the best place to whack a shark, if you're still lucid enough to aim,  are its eyes or gills. If you are unable to reach the eyes or gills, splash its face as much as possible, as the salt water would really sting.


 

Bee

Bees. Aren't they adorable? With their fat little bodies and tiny physics-defying wings, they're relaxing to observe as they bumble around the garden and you recline in a deckchair. But occasionally, if they're having a bad monday, or are Africanised Honey Bees, they might form a swarm and chase after you. If this happens, I've found some good advice on how to fight them off.

"RUN away quickly. Do not stop to help others. However, small children and the disabled may need some assistance."

Though maybe not the fighting talk you'd expect, apparently this is the best way to deal with an Africanized Honey Bee attack. The rest of that helpful article, explains how if being chased by angry bees, run. Run. Leap up from your deckchair, drop your issue of Homes and Gardens and run as fast as you can with your shirt over your head.

 

Hedgehog

Just walk away. Hedgehogs might be intimidatingly spiky, but they are also slow and incredibly short. This is one particular battle you can win by not doing much. I'm not really sure why I included this particular animal attack in the list, to be honest, but I couldn't find any details on how to fight off a rhinoceros so it had to do.

 

Bear

If worried that a bear might be about to attack, stand incredibly still. The bear will then come towards you, but you must remain stationary. Once the bear is close enough to touch, in one smooth motion, leap onto the animal's back. Bears are notoriously inflexible, and while he might try to turn his head far enough to bite you, or swing a paw around his back to swipe you, he will be unable to reach and you shall be safe. That said, if your ride looks like he's about to rub his back up against a tree, hop off and peg it.

 

 

Monkey

This should be fairly easy, since monkeys are essentially the size of human children. Hold out your hand and grab the attacking monkey's head. He will swing his little paws, but since you have the superior reach, the monkey will eventually grow tired and you shall be victorious. He will then let you keep him on your shoulder which would be adorable.

 

Crocodile

When in any kind of terrain where a crocodile attack is possible, for example wading in The Nile, or at Chester Zoo, be sure to carry a large wooden oar around with you at all times. Wait for the crocodile to open its jaws wide, before inserting the oar into the mouth, thus wedging it open. Not only will the crocodile be unable to close its mouth around you, but if you do find yourself accidentally inside its jaws, you should be able to just slide back out again.



 

Any kind of bird

If you should find yourself outside, perhaps clutching a pasty or some kind of baked, meat-filled snack, you're leaving yourself open to one of the most brutal animal attacks there is.

To prevent the bird from attacking, you must wave your arms about ferociously, not only to surprise the bird, but to fling whatever comestible it was that attracted them in the first place, as far from you as possible. This will distract the bird and give you valuable seconds to make good your escape. Do not attempt to reclaim the snack.

Fun fact: Alfred Hitchcock based his 1963 classic "The Birds" on an afternoon he'd had in Brighton when a bird stole one of his chips and then pooed on his shoulder.