What to do on your first date

 
 

Arrive late

Making a good first impression on a date is important - girls often base their entire opinion of a man purely  on the first few seconds of a meeting. For this reason, make sure you're at least 20 minutes late for the date - that way, the relief she'll feel when she realises she hasn't been stood up will be the lasting impression she has of you. You will be like a knight, rescuing her from an awkward situation. That you caused.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="350" caption="Late Knight"][/caption]
 

Imply that everything is her fault/subtly put her down

"Our order's only taking so long because you ordered salad - everyone knows salad takes longer to prepare than fillet steak with a peppercorn sauce and onion rings."

"I'm only late because you told me the wrong time."

"I love how shrill and irritating your voice is."

"It's a nice dress. I wish my nan let me borrow her clothes."

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="210" caption="A simpler time."][/caption]

 

 

Imagine her naked and let her know that's what you're doing

This could either be as a reply to "what're you thinking?" which is the staple of awkward silences across the globe. Women appreciate honesty, so even if you weren't thinking of your date naked, pretend you're being honest and say you were picturing her naked. It will make her feel desired, and also make awkward silences a thing of the past.*

*not guaranteed.
 

Pretend you've forgotten her name and call her a man's name for the rest of the date

You will appear lofty and aloof, and girls love that. Nice guys finish last, dickheads finish first, but you're so above it all you're not even in the race. Put on a leather jacket, ignore her for at least 10 minutes, and she'll be like warm putty in your hand. Not that you care.
 

I couldn't find a picture for this one.

 

Don't offer to pay for anything

Thanks to the surprising success of feminism, women are generally now expected to pay for dates. When you've finished your meal, push the plate away from you, gaze lovingly into your date's eyes, and don't break the stare until she's paid the bill. It's very important that you keep staring. Imperative, almost. It will assert your dominance, and make up for the fact that you haven't had any money since you lost your job at the meat-packing factory.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="192" caption="Going Dutch."][/caption]
 

Beg for a second date, and if she says no - cry.

It just shows that you care.

 

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="238" caption="Kind of like this."][/caption]

Summer 2011 Fashion for Men

 
 
Have I mentioned recently how hard it is to be a moden man? I think I probably have; between setting up your online dating profile and trying to talk to women there's plenty of ways to go wrong. I recently gave you some advice on dressing like an adult, but what happens when the shops only sell ridiculous clothes? What are you supposed to do now? Lubricate your legs and slide on a pair skinny jeans? I don't know about you, but that's not something I'd want to do.

There are currently about 10 shops from which it is possible to buy menswear (there may be more, but I don't care) and I am going to look at each in some detail in an attempt to help you find the shop which is right for you, this summer.
 

American Apparel

Now don't get me wrong, I like American Apparel. If I had money, I'd probably buy some of their clothes, yet they might be the biggest sinner when it comes to odd modelling or "oddelling" as I like to call it. Gaunt spectral-type men with beards and a surprised expression, model the latest lines of pastel shaded grandad shirts. I didn't even know what a grandad shirt was until I started writing this. Had to look it up.

[caption id="attachment_3051" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="20x20=400. That's 400 ways to look like a bell-end."][/caption]

 

Topman

As a student, Topman was my bread and butter. If I needed any of the essentials (some colourful and constrictingly tight underwear, or a belt with piano keys on) I'd pop down to my local Topman and spend around £13.50.

Now, though, the only people who can pull off Topman clothes are those who have recently woken from a coma and think it's still 1986. Or the band "Hurts".

[caption id="attachment_3052" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Mustard is SO in this year."][/caption]
 

Asos

I don't know much about Asos, other than last year my flatmate bought a jumper from Asos that made him look like he was being born. As a result, I've tended to steer clear, which is probably a good thing, judging by this image on their homepage which made me want to destroy everything.

[caption id="attachment_3053" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="No I do not fancy a dip."][/caption]

Apparently hats are really in this year. Yeah? Well I hope we have an unusually windy summer and they blow into whatever canal it is on which you're rowing ironically.

 

Urban Outfitters

I'm really losing the will to live with his list now, just look. Look at the hat. Am I supposed to wear a hat now, to be fashionable? Who decreed this? Was there a memo? I hate everything. Like the blazer though, I bet it's £100,000.

[caption id="attachment_3054" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I give up"][/caption]
 

French Connection

My favourite type of oddel (odd model, keep up) is the type with a massive beard. For me, the inclusion of the beard raises some important questions: Is the beard for sale? Can I add the beard to my basket? If I buy the outfit without the beard, do I get a discount? Will the clothes look good on me despite the fact that I don't have the facial hair of a grizzled sea captain? I fear that the answer to all of these questions might be "no."

[caption id="attachment_3055" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Vincent Van Gogh modelling chinos and a hat"][/caption]
 

H&M

Colourful trousers.

COLOURFUL TROUSERS.
 

Republic

Oh hey yeah I'm just scratching my head

Republic used to be respectable, stocking a few surf brands and having the odd sale. What happened to you, Republic? Now it's all polo shirts and jogging bottoms, and shorts with the fly on the SIDE for those of us who don't want to be made to CONFORM to society's BOURGEOIS demands that the FLY should always have to go on the FRONT. I'm crazy, you can't tell me what to do man

 

River Island

[caption id="attachment_3058" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The worst of them all"][/caption]

Oh, River Island, with your name of two oddly opposing nouns, like "Pencil Pen" or "Badger Wildebeest". I bought a hoodie from you once, it was blue and had white tassles. I wore it every day except Saturdays which is when I would wash it.

But now, River Island, you have betrayed me for a grinning twat in a wicker hat and his hands in his pockets.
 

Gap

I quite like Gap, you should all shop at Gap. Or Ebay, there's some amusing clothes there.

 

How to survive an animal attack.

 
 
I'm not really the fighting type, but if provoked I can curl up into a pretty intimidating ball. Animals, on the other hand, can fly off the handle without warning and attack each other (and humans) with reckless abandonment. So what should you do if an animal attacks you? Do you do the ball thing? No, you fight back with all your knowledge of animal-fight-skills, learned from the internet.

Please note that this article does not condone unprovoked violence against animals, and only sanctions the use of force when being attacked, or when it's slept with your missus or something.

 

Shark

The notion of beating a shark in pitched battle has been around for decades, with the film "Jaws" bringing shark-fighting to the mainstream. But for those of us who don't have a gas canister with which to explode the shark, the accepted advice was always to boff the attacker on the nose, thus stunning it enough to forget to eat you.

But this is an urban myth, according to shark-fighting experts who say that the best place to whack a shark, if you're still lucid enough to aim,  are its eyes or gills. If you are unable to reach the eyes or gills, splash its face as much as possible, as the salt water would really sting.


 

Bee

Bees. Aren't they adorable? With their fat little bodies and tiny physics-defying wings, they're relaxing to observe as they bumble around the garden and you recline in a deckchair. But occasionally, if they're having a bad monday, or are Africanised Honey Bees, they might form a swarm and chase after you. If this happens, I've found some good advice on how to fight them off.

"RUN away quickly. Do not stop to help others. However, small children and the disabled may need some assistance."

Though maybe not the fighting talk you'd expect, apparently this is the best way to deal with an Africanized Honey Bee attack. The rest of that helpful article, explains how if being chased by angry bees, run. Run. Leap up from your deckchair, drop your issue of Homes and Gardens and run as fast as you can with your shirt over your head.

 

Hedgehog

Just walk away. Hedgehogs might be intimidatingly spiky, but they are also slow and incredibly short. This is one particular battle you can win by not doing much. I'm not really sure why I included this particular animal attack in the list, to be honest, but I couldn't find any details on how to fight off a rhinoceros so it had to do.

 

Bear

If worried that a bear might be about to attack, stand incredibly still. The bear will then come towards you, but you must remain stationary. Once the bear is close enough to touch, in one smooth motion, leap onto the animal's back. Bears are notoriously inflexible, and while he might try to turn his head far enough to bite you, or swing a paw around his back to swipe you, he will be unable to reach and you shall be safe. That said, if your ride looks like he's about to rub his back up against a tree, hop off and peg it.

 

 

Monkey

This should be fairly easy, since monkeys are essentially the size of human children. Hold out your hand and grab the attacking monkey's head. He will swing his little paws, but since you have the superior reach, the monkey will eventually grow tired and you shall be victorious. He will then let you keep him on your shoulder which would be adorable.

 

Crocodile

When in any kind of terrain where a crocodile attack is possible, for example wading in The Nile, or at Chester Zoo, be sure to carry a large wooden oar around with you at all times. Wait for the crocodile to open its jaws wide, before inserting the oar into the mouth, thus wedging it open. Not only will the crocodile be unable to close its mouth around you, but if you do find yourself accidentally inside its jaws, you should be able to just slide back out again.



 

Any kind of bird

If you should find yourself outside, perhaps clutching a pasty or some kind of baked, meat-filled snack, you're leaving yourself open to one of the most brutal animal attacks there is.

To prevent the bird from attacking, you must wave your arms about ferociously, not only to surprise the bird, but to fling whatever comestible it was that attracted them in the first place, as far from you as possible. This will distract the bird and give you valuable seconds to make good your escape. Do not attempt to reclaim the snack.

Fun fact: Alfred Hitchcock based his 1963 classic "The Birds" on an afternoon he'd had in Brighton when a bird stole one of his chips and then pooed on his shoulder.