Summer 2011 Fashion for Men

 
 
Have I mentioned recently how hard it is to be a moden man? I think I probably have; between setting up your online dating profile and trying to talk to women there's plenty of ways to go wrong. I recently gave you some advice on dressing like an adult, but what happens when the shops only sell ridiculous clothes? What are you supposed to do now? Lubricate your legs and slide on a pair skinny jeans? I don't know about you, but that's not something I'd want to do.

There are currently about 10 shops from which it is possible to buy menswear (there may be more, but I don't care) and I am going to look at each in some detail in an attempt to help you find the shop which is right for you, this summer.
 

American Apparel

Now don't get me wrong, I like American Apparel. If I had money, I'd probably buy some of their clothes, yet they might be the biggest sinner when it comes to odd modelling or "oddelling" as I like to call it. Gaunt spectral-type men with beards and a surprised expression, model the latest lines of pastel shaded grandad shirts. I didn't even know what a grandad shirt was until I started writing this. Had to look it up.

[caption id="attachment_3051" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="20x20=400. That's 400 ways to look like a bell-end."][/caption]

 

Topman

As a student, Topman was my bread and butter. If I needed any of the essentials (some colourful and constrictingly tight underwear, or a belt with piano keys on) I'd pop down to my local Topman and spend around £13.50.

Now, though, the only people who can pull off Topman clothes are those who have recently woken from a coma and think it's still 1986. Or the band "Hurts".

[caption id="attachment_3052" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Mustard is SO in this year."][/caption]
 

Asos

I don't know much about Asos, other than last year my flatmate bought a jumper from Asos that made him look like he was being born. As a result, I've tended to steer clear, which is probably a good thing, judging by this image on their homepage which made me want to destroy everything.

[caption id="attachment_3053" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="No I do not fancy a dip."][/caption]

Apparently hats are really in this year. Yeah? Well I hope we have an unusually windy summer and they blow into whatever canal it is on which you're rowing ironically.

 

Urban Outfitters

I'm really losing the will to live with his list now, just look. Look at the hat. Am I supposed to wear a hat now, to be fashionable? Who decreed this? Was there a memo? I hate everything. Like the blazer though, I bet it's £100,000.

[caption id="attachment_3054" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I give up"][/caption]
 

French Connection

My favourite type of oddel (odd model, keep up) is the type with a massive beard. For me, the inclusion of the beard raises some important questions: Is the beard for sale? Can I add the beard to my basket? If I buy the outfit without the beard, do I get a discount? Will the clothes look good on me despite the fact that I don't have the facial hair of a grizzled sea captain? I fear that the answer to all of these questions might be "no."

[caption id="attachment_3055" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Vincent Van Gogh modelling chinos and a hat"][/caption]
 

H&M

Colourful trousers.

COLOURFUL TROUSERS.
 

Republic

Oh hey yeah I'm just scratching my head

Republic used to be respectable, stocking a few surf brands and having the odd sale. What happened to you, Republic? Now it's all polo shirts and jogging bottoms, and shorts with the fly on the SIDE for those of us who don't want to be made to CONFORM to society's BOURGEOIS demands that the FLY should always have to go on the FRONT. I'm crazy, you can't tell me what to do man

 

River Island

[caption id="attachment_3058" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The worst of them all"][/caption]

Oh, River Island, with your name of two oddly opposing nouns, like "Pencil Pen" or "Badger Wildebeest". I bought a hoodie from you once, it was blue and had white tassles. I wore it every day except Saturdays which is when I would wash it.

But now, River Island, you have betrayed me for a grinning twat in a wicker hat and his hands in his pockets.
 

Gap

I quite like Gap, you should all shop at Gap. Or Ebay, there's some amusing clothes there.