The Five Least Romantic Films of All Time

 

(Originally posted in February 2011)

With Valentine's Day coming up, it's easy to get swept along on the tide of nauseating sentimentality - but don't worry, here's a list of films to watch on Monday if you're sick of the whole thing. Maybe you're single, or perhaps are looking for a way to subtly hint to your partner that you'd like to split up, either way these films are the antidote to romance.

Knocked Up

Unfortunately intended as a "romantic comedy" Knocked Up is more frightening than watching United 93 on a plane. It centers around the HILARITY that ensues when a one-nigh-stand results in pregnancy and the OH SO FUNNY awkwardness between the two parties involved. Predictably they fall in love and it's all wonderful, which is basically what always happens in real life after these types of things. Always.

If you're single: Pat yourself on the back for not having to worry about this particular issue. Never going near women means never accidentally getting them pregnant. You're onto a winner there.

If you want to break up: Watch it with your partner, and during the birth scene turn to her with tears in your eyes and say "I can't wait 'til that's you".

Munich

Perhaps romantic if you're an Ultra-Zionist, for the rest of us Munich is a dreary slog through the horror that is the world. Someone kills a bunch of people, someone else retaliates by killing EVERYONE in various horrible ways. When I first saw Munich, it took me six hours to watch because I had to keep pausing it for a few minutes to remind myself that happiness can exist in the world.

Munich is like the dementor's kiss of cinematic experiences, so chances are no romance will ever occur whilst watching it.

If you're single: Remind yourself just how awful human interaction is. Isn't it awful?

If you want to break up: Announce that you're vehemently pro-Israel and that in your opinion Eric Bana didn't do enough killing.

I Spit On Your Grave

When a film's genre is listed on Wikipedia as "rape revenge" you can probably tell that it wasn't made by the team behind Madagascar 2. In reality it's thought to be one of the most unpleasant and violent films ever made, and therefore is definite first date material. If you try it, let me know how that worked out for you. I'm going to assume not well.

If you're single: I probably wouldn't admit to watching this film alone.

If you want to break up: Insist that your partner watches this film with you because it's your absolute favourite, second only to The Lion King.

War and Peace

At 507 minutes in total, this Soviet bear of a movie is one of the longest films ever made, and thus the perfect way to show your Valentine just how much you like to spend time with her. Also it's in Russian, so I'd estimate that's about 500,000 subtitles you'll be reading - look away for any romantic shenanigans and you'll have completely lost what's going on and have to rewind.

No, War and Peace demands total, unwavering attention for 8 hours. No hanky panky for you, which means your relationship will inevitably falter and die, thanks to this film.

If you're single: Watching this gives you quite a lot of street-cred among the right kind of people. "What kind of films do you like?" they'll ask, as they twirl their handlebar moustaches. "Oh, you know, eight hour Soviet epics", you'll reply as you sip a pink gin.

If you want to break up: Wait until the film finishes, and then announce that you've got War and Peace 2 on dvd and that you MUST WATCH IT NOW.

P.S. I Love You

It has all the hallmarks of a romantic film - a beefy Irish (but actually Scottish) beefman, a simpering, irritating female lead, and a premise more emotionally manipulative than that video where Christian the lion meets his old trainer. But in reality, P.S I Love You leaves you feeling drained - an empty shell of a human who just watched a deceased love one toy with his grieving partner's emotions for 90 minutes.

Gerard Butler writes his girlfriend notes before he dies, and somehow knows how she responds to each one. It goes something a little like this.

Dear Kate (or something) - I've died, but you've got to keep on living your life! Go out with my best friend Jonty.

I can't go out with your best friend Jonty!

I knew you'd say that, and I'm touched by your loyalty, but you must!

Oh, OK then.

Whereas in reality, if any of us were to write our surviving partner notes, they'd probably be more like:

Dear Kate (or something) - I've died, but you've got to keep on living your life! Go out with my best friend Jonty.

Sweet! To be fair he was always more attractive than you.

I knew you'd say that, and I'm touched by your loyalty, but you must!

I've just said I will! Jeez it's like your not even listening.

If you're single: why on earth are you watching P.S I Love You?

If you want to break up: Your partner will now have such high expectations of the relationship, that by just carrying on as normal (i.e not dying and leaving romantic love notes) they'll ultimately leave you for someone more Irish.